"... if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understrand why you are here". The Alchemist
lately my anxiety has getting the best of me. This 4 day weekend I planned to bake pies from scratch, like a good little girlfriend should, and then attend thanksgiving at sals gmas house. Friday I was going to have my little brothers spend the night because my dad is now gone and I figured they need some extra love and support. Then Saturday and Sunday I was going to visit my bff Laura in L.A. and meet the Canadian love of her life. All while having my younger-older brother Mikey crash at our house too. What I should have done is just not planned anything. I work a stressful management position and I am in school full time. When I have 4 days off I shouldn't feel guilty about just allowing myself to relax. Instead I let that crackhead voice in me come out and take over. "You should be doing more for those boys now that your dads gone", "You should spend time with your boyfriend and his family" "You should work out everyday that you have off because you don't have an excuse" "You should go grocery shopping and plan out your super healthy meals for the next week" "you should figure out exactly what you want out of life because you have a whole four days off."
Well I realized that I at least do not want to own a pie shop because I suck at making pies. But honestly I am okay with that and now I can check that off my list of shit I know I don't want to do.
As for doing more with my little brothers, we baked christmas cookies from scratch, frosting them and decorated them. Check that off my list
As for anything else...I didn't do shit. No gym, no runs or bike rides even though it was 80 degrees all weekend. I didn't even wake up for roof top yoga on Sunday morning. Nothing.
I sat on the couch and ate whatever I felt the desire to eat. First I enjoyed it, then I felt full but kept going. Then I hated myself a little, and by a little I mean completely. I did this for 3 days until I decided to quit hating myself for it and write about it. This isn't a blog to explain how I have overcome binge eating and you can too in these three easy steps. Then you can live the life you have always dreamed about. This is a blog that says I have things about myself that are not perfect and probably never will be. But the life I have dreamed about is the one I am living. That perfect life does not exist. I am a work of progress and always will be. There is no ultimate goal i.e. enlightenment. Sorry Buddhism I have appreciated all of your wisdom throughout the years but I have disagree with you on that one. I will always struggle with body dysmorphia, eating habits & exercise and it will most likely be a much bumpier road now that I am off my anti anxiety medication but it is a road none the less. It is my road and I am very blessed to be able to travel down it.
The more thankful I am the more I realize the things I have fought so hard for- a relationship with my father and his new family, an education that has provided me with a job that pays well enough to live in a beautiful beach front community, a great relationship with my boyfriend, ability to further educate myself & most of all the freedom to become whatever it is I want to be. No matter what I chose to do for money I know that I am here for much more important things. I am able to be there for all of my younger brothers which to me is helping the soul of the world. Lately I have been putting so much pressure on myself to figure out what I want to do to put a roof over my head until I get my degree but I really should just be celebrating my accomplishments thus far. I can only imagine what I am capable of doing once I have a less hectic schedule and am financially stable.
